Friar Laurence killed Romeo & Juliet! (Why doesn't the Play end with a Beheading?)

Romeo & Juliet.
Who is to blame?
We could waffle, but in the end--It's the friar.
Friar Laurence.

(Pure evil)

This is the case against Friar Laurence.
If you are a fan of Friar Laurence (and believe me, I am), but are unwilling to face that sad, sick truth: Friar Laurence made it all happen, then you should probably skip this and go about in willful ignorance.
Okay...are they gone?
Good.

Here is how it really happened:
It all starts with a thumb.
You heard me.
One of these.

Doesn't that just drive you into a murderous rage?
No?
Well it does the Montagues:

I will bite my thumb at them; which is a disgrace to them, if they bear it.

I didn't write it; it was some bloke called Shakesman.
Point being, everything that follows is the result of a bit thumb.
The Montagues take offense; the two sides square off; they posture a bit; and then they fight.
The Prince intervenes and says

If ever you disturb our streets again,
Your lives shall pay the forfeit of the peace.

 So if they ever fight again, all shall die. (Foreshadowing)

Fast forward to the good stuff.
A Capulet and a Montague fall in love. (Juliet and Romeo...)
What could go wrong?
....
Cut to Friar Laurence.

He is wandering in the morning collecting plants.
He has a whole soliloquy talking about plants.
Coming on the heels of the balcony scene:

It seems...tepid by comparison.
Why would Shakesman write it?

Because Friar Laurence is Littlefinger from Game of Thrones.

For those not in the know...that's pretty damn evil.

Take a look at his opening speech.
Friar Laurence starts his day by gathering herbs.
To what purpose?
He says 'mickle' meaning multiple or many.

Within the infant rind of this small flower
Poison hath residence and medicine power:
For this, being smelt, with that part cheers each part;
Being tasted, slays all senses with the heart.

Medicine can turn to poison and with the right application, poison to good use.
He is collecting tools of his trade and saying it could go either way:

Two such opposed kings encamp them still
In man as well as herbs, grace and rude will;
And where the worser is predominant,
Full soon the canker death eats up that plant.

Like plants, mankind has a dual nature.
Both good and bad all rolled into one.
So what is the friar to do with this sage wisdom?
Enter Romeo.

Nope!

Nope!

...I don't even. Fine.

Close enough.

What does Romeo have to say? Where has be been?

I have been feasting with mine enemy,
Where on a sudden one hath wounded me,
That's by me wounded

He met a girl.
But not just any girl.
Oh no.
The daughter of their sworn enemy.
The cousin of this guy:

Really?!

Oh, Tybalt...

So Romeo went to a party, fell in love, stalked her at night, and got a proposal out of the deal.
Great!
All that is left is Friar Laurence to tie the veritable marriage knot.
And does he do it?
Yes.

Wait...WHAT?!
Why?

For this alliance may so happy prove,
To turn your households' rancour to pure love.

Because it just might work!
He has no idea, but he is willing to take a gamble on Romeo's life that it will all work out...nice.
So how does it go?
Not well.

Romeo's friend, Mercutio, is murdered by Tybalt (Romeo's fault) and Romeo in turn murders Tybalt.
It looked like this:

(Trust us...we're professionals)

So what does the Friar do?
He doubles down.
Romeo threatens suicide (let us be honest, it would be the smart thing).
Instead, the Friar sends Romeo to Juliet for a last good night before his banishment.
Juliet finds out she is to marry Paris and...you guessed it...threatens suicide.
The Friar produces a vial of potion that will simulate death.
In a rare moment of insight, Juliet has this to say about the friar:

What if it be a poison, which the friar
Subtly hath minister'd to have me dead,
Lest in this marriage he should be dishonour'd,
Because he married me before to Romeo?

Why would the friar cover his tracks? Oh because that is brilliant!
Don't drink it!
She drinks it.
Her whole family thinks she is dead.
On her wedding day!

The Nurse enters, cries.
Her mother enters, cries.
Her father enters, cries.
Paris enters, cries.
The Friar enters and like a dick says:

Come, is the bride ready to go to church? 

Her family looks like this:

(The terrifying guy in the back? The Friar)

So while everyone is wailing because their only daughter/fiancee is dead, what does the Friar say/do?
Calls them out.
For shame! he says.
About their tears!
To be fair, his little potion (which we don't know is real yet) is working away and has a limited time frame.
The Friar needs to get the burial underway before Juliet starts cooking again.
So he says, dry your eyes, and bury her...NOW!
And they do because... they trust him because...he's the Friar (mistake).

Fast forward the Friar sends a letter to Romeo.
It gets waylaid.
Romeo hears that Juliet died by word of mouth (messengers in Shakespeare...they'll kill ya)
Goes on a murderous rampage through the streets.
The Friar, who has seen everything these kids do for each other, "fears the worst" and goes to sort it out.

Romeo gets to the crypt, tears it open, kills Paris who tries to arrest him and buries both Paris and himself in her tomb, then suicides.

Enter the Friar.....
This is such a cluster f*@# and a half and no one is safe.
The Friar sees the blood and the gore and goes to grab Juliet:

Come, I'll dispose of thee
Among a sisterhood of holy nuns:
Stay not to question, for the watch is coming;

It all went to belly up.
So what does he try to do?
Hide the poor girl away in a convent where a vow of silence is mandatory!
Brilliant!
But the Watch appears and he runs to save his skin.
Juliet suicides.
The Watch catches Friar Laurence in the graveyard and carry him back because...sketchy.
Suspicion falls on him.
The Prince shows up and the Friar confesses that he was involved with the whole thing.
He recounts the last five acts and begs punishment.
The Prince says this:

A glooming peace this morning with it brings;
The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head:
Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things;
Some shall be pardon'd, and some punished:
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

And it all ends happily.
For the Friar!

What did he say?
The Friar won!
He ended the war.
All strife is over.
Lady Cap says:

O brother Montague, give me thy hand:

 Brother! They are family, forever because of him!
Yeah, the kids are dead, but the war is done! Finite!
They will have more talk of these sad things. Not death/murder/suicide...talk.
Some pardoned. (He is talking about the Friar!)
The Friar will be pardoned, after all, he is pious. And did nothing wrong....
But you and I know different.

(EVIL)