What is the Work You Can't Not Do? (Finding what you love and doing it till you die)

Today, we discuss what the hell I've been up to for the last few weeks!
PATREON!
That is Patreon.
For a brief primer:

• Patreon is a crowd-sourcing site for artists.
• It doesn't matter what you make, all types are supported.
• People provide single or ongoing donations for either campaigns or artists that they love and support.

I dig this.
I dig this so much, so hardcore that I made one.
MY PATREON!

I made a thing mum and dad!

So that is what I have been doing the last few weeks:
Preparing and getting ready for my launch and then making sure that I keep up with the deadlines I set for myself.

And it has been hard
How hard?
SO.
Why?

Well, it is a lot that I have set for myself.
And a big adjustment.
To go from producing maybe one maybe two things per month or year to producing constantly all of the time.

Why did I do this?
Because it makes me happy.
I have found that clear, definable goals and accomplishing them make me happy.
Clear progress to an achievable thing that is hard and impressive makes me happy.

The problem?

Deadlines.

I don't have any.

When you make art professionally or for an audience or yourself or whatever (subject of another post) you have no deadlines.
Not unless you have a publisher or a patron breathing down your neck.
Which isn't an antagonistic relationship by the way, it is just a relationship.
Think about how many editors/publishers/collaborators/readers are thanked in the credits/dedication page of every book/piece.
There has to be a reason!
It is because it can be a genuinely healthy relationship when handled well.

Big Problem:
I cannot make my own deadlines.
It is true, I set deadlines for myself and the art just does not happen.
I stare at my computer screen for hours watching sooo much Facebook scroll past.
And oop...it's New Year's...again...
So I produce.
I write this blog.
I do things to keep on keeping on.

But, it can be hard.
Because too often it can feel like shouting into the Void.
It can be demoralizing.
To shout and not even hear an echo.
When your number of viewers declines.
When your subscriptions fall.
When you aren't growing in a clear, linear, geometric progression.

BUT THAT IS LIFE!
So you keep going.
You keep growing.
You keep making.

But, art cannot happen in a vacuum.
Not for me.
And so I need that sense of deadlines.
Of having a relationship.
Accountability.

Amanda Palmer in her brilliant book: The Art of Asking
She states:

“When you’re an artist, nobody ever tells you or hits you with the magic wand of legitimacy. You have to hit your own head with your own handmade wand. And you feel stupid doing it.

There’s no “correct path” to becoming a real artist. You might think you’ll gain legitimacy by going to art school, getting published, getting signed to a record label. But it’s all bullshit, and it’s all in your head. You’re an artist when you say you are. And you’re a good artist when you make somebody else experience or feel something deep or unexpected.”

~Amanda Palmer, in The Art of Asking, pg. 43

I am an artist when I say I am.
Brilliant!
But, when do I say I am?
When I feel like one.
When do I feel most like an artist?

For me, most of the time, it has to do with audience.
Specifically deadlines.
Someone very special once said:

"The fear of an opening night just lights a fire under the actors' collective ass." 

 She was referring to their fear of an audience.
Their fear of accountability.
Of being found out.
Of being under scrutiny from the Fraud Police (another Amanda Palmer term) and being found wanting.
Of not being artists.
Of not being actors.

So what do they do?
They make some art.
And they make it up quick.

I miss that sense of art.
Of being a part of a larger collective, an institution with deadlines and things.
It is very important to my artistry to know how and when to produce things.
And to make them well.

So what is the secret to doing that for oneself?
As the eminent Sanjay from Slings & Arrows says:

"It's all...a trick!"

It's like a spell.
You say the words or set up circumstances and then it becomes real.
So I need deadlines, but not from me?
Who sets them up if not for me?

The paradox was killing me artistically.
And then it clicked.
All deadlines are arbitrary.
I decide how and when to do everything in my life.
Nobody told me to go to college (well, yes they id, but I agreed to go)
Nobody told me to go to grad school.
Nobody told me to start theatre companies.
How did I do it.
By saying screw it and telling other people to tell me what to do.

SO:
Finally I said screw it, I'll set up something I can't shirk.
Something I don't want to shirk.
Something public and awesome.
So I did Patreon.
It is still waaaay too new to know if it is working for real.
This may all just be beginner's luck.
But, it feels wonderful to commit to something.
To throw myself into it wholeheartedly.

Bamboo farmers work for three years on the shoots before there is any sign of growth.
One day it shoots up twenty feet.
They had no idea while they were working all those years, but one day it just pays off.
But, that doesn't happen if you abandon the field.
Or don't till the earth.

So this is me tilling.
Here is a wonderful TED talk titled Find the Work you Love:

He set himself up for success by surrounding himself by people who were committed to the same work that he loved.
He woke up every day and committed himself over and over to it.
And one day...it shot up like bamboo.
And he found himself in the world where he always wanted to be.

So...that is what I have been doing the last few weeks.

Manifest Coolness From Nerd to Shining Dweeb (Wouldn't it be Cool If...)

Today, let us discuss coolness.

Let me start by saying I have never been cool.
I have never thought of myself as cool or have any idea how to be cool.
The mere fact I use the word cool should highlight my credentials.

But, I have been studying cool people for years.
And I have come down to a couple of criteria for identifying cool people

• They always seem to be happy
• They always seem to do what they want
• They always seem to somehow succeed at those things

Those basic criteria are generally what I consider to be cool/coolness.

So how do we go about becoming cool?

Well, it is tricky. 

My new belief is we are all innately cool.

But, are we the coolest?

Are we as cool as we want to be?

My contention is an emphatic YES

WE ARE AS COOL AS WE WANT TO BE.

So what does that mean?

WE ARE IN CONTROL OF HOW COOL OUR LIVES CAN BE.

I usually distill this down to a simple adage that I repeat often:
"We get the life we craft."

SO what are we crafting?
I look around and I see bills piling up, a seasonal job, not enough time in the day, and too much Netflix binges.
That isn't terribly cool.
Not like the cool kids that I know/see who go skydiving or travel the world.
That makes me frustrated.
Why do they get to do it and not me?
What makes them so freaking cool?

And therein lies the truth of it.
They aren't cooler than me.
They aren't more special than me.
They are just doing it.

Looking at the list again:

• They always seem to be happy
• They always seem to do what they want
• They always seem to somehow succeed at those things

So why are they happy?
Well they do what they want.
They always seem to succeed (for expansion on why this may be so, check out How to Write a Better Life)

Now, I am not suggesting that these cool people aren't living lives filled with tragedy and suffering just like the rest of us
(My main contention is that they are the rest of us)
But the point is that when you are living a legend, when you are living not just a cool life, but the coolest life, you get to wake up every day.
You don't drag yourself to a 9 to 5, you run to it.
And why?
Because your life becomes a training montage!
You're excited and free to go and do whatever you want.

Why the word "COOL"?
Because it works for me.
It sings to me.
I have no idea why or how, but it does.
So I run with it.

When I wake up and I think, "Wouldn't it be cool if..." I take that as a big flipping sign and run with it.
So after years I am finally:

• Writing story (novels/shorts)
• Writing poetry
• Taking film photographs
• Taking dance classes
• Running workshops
• Travelling the world
• Teaching
• Cooking

All of the things that I thought, "Wouldn't it be cool if" but never thought at which I would be good.

That stops now. 

I want to be the coolest me.

And that's pretty cool.

Where are all the WOMEN at?! (Why Justin Trudeau's Cabinet isn't Enough)

Today we talk about the Tolkienverse,

Namely this study called

THE LOTR PROJECT

It is a statistical analysis of Tolkien's Lord of the Rings series as broken down into numbers and figures.
Their tagline

Middle-Earth in Numbers

And what you get from their initial analysis is essentially this chart

(Mmm. Sexy, sexy statistics.)

But, what does it all mean?

Well, if you follow the link you can see for yourself, but for those who don't want to squint real hard the numbers come out to be this:

For every named/known character in the Tolkien verse, they were ascribed a race and a gender. 

We are dealing primarily with binaries, but Tolkien saw things pretty black and white anyway, so we won't complain about the spectrum just yet. 

The pure numbers are from most diverse to least:

1. Hobbits with 74 female, 174 male =30% female
2. Elves with 20 female, 78 male=20% female
3. Humans with 62 female, 410 male=13% female
4. Dwarves with 1 female, 50 male=2% female
5. Orcs with 0 female, 20 male=0% female

This is one of the most widely read, published, and enjoyed stories of all time. 

The best resource I found was an NPR survey chronicling the most favorite Fantasy series of all time. 

Guess what trumped the charts?

You guessed it.

It has just become hopelessly ubiquitous.

Like Citizen Kane being the greatest movie ever.

Eventually, just to get it out of the way you kind of have to put it into its own special category just so people can talk about something more productive.

"I really LOVE Lord of the Rings/Citzen Kane!"

Wow.
What a polarizing opinion.
Let's move on shall we?

The point is, it is universally recognized as a work of brilliance.
But, those numbers are pretty frightening.
For a universally beloved tale, only the barest fraction of the characters can be identified as female.
If it were to reflect our reality at all, the proportions should come out to be roughly even, at least insofar as the human characters go.
In fact, women should make up the majority of the population
Roughly 50.9% according to the last census (in the United States) 

Why is any of this at all significant?
What does it have to do with anything?
Well, it is important to recognize that an entire story, perhaps the most talked about, the biggest cultural event until Game of Thrones was predominately told from the perspective and involved almost exclusively male perspective.
Quick run down of The Fellowship of the Ring.
Our protagonist Frodo Baggins.

Is given a ring by his uncle Bilbo

Guarded by his trusted friend Samwise Gamgee

Pippin

and Merry

and the wizard Gandalf.

Led by Aragorn son of Arathorn

His brother in arms Boromir (brother Faramir, son of Denethor).

The elf Legolas.

And the dwarf Gimli.

Wow.
What a remarkably diverse ethnic group.
No word of a joke, even though they cast everyone from a pool of white actors, these characters represent five of the nine(?) (don't quote me) sentient races of Middle Earth.
Humans, elves, dwarves, hobbits, and wizards all working together.
But, not a single one of them a lady.
(P.S. if you want to know my thoughts on casting of white actors, read my previous blog post about Race & Copyright).

Now, these are just the major players, the ones who kick off the story and the ones that we follow throughout.
But, these are the MAJOR PLAYERS THAT WE FOLLOW THROUGHOUT THE STORY.
There is not a single one of them that is female.
And only a single female character ends up positively impacting the story:

Eowyn.
For those who haven't read/seen Lord of the Rings, I give you the most memorable scene from anywhere:

WHAT A CERTIFIABLE BADASS!
The whole entire story could have been about Eowyn and it would have been incredible.
But, ultimately, the saddest part about Eowyn is that she has to fight this idea of being a woman in wartime.
It is probably the thesis of Tolkien's whole book.
You cannot be a woman in wartime.
The majority of his narrative supports this claim.

1. There are no female characters in LoTR besides Eowyn
2. None besides Eowyn impacts the story in any meaningful way

So what are we left with?

This beautiful little scene where Eowyn overcomes the adversity of being a woman.
She gets to say, "I am no man!" and it is a good thing!

But, I am left with a sour taste in my mouth.
And I think it comes from Suzan Lori Parks.

Suzan Lori Parks is a playwright, a brilliant one.

An American playwright who writes about what she calls black drama. 

"The bulk of relationships Black people are engaged in onstage is the relationship between the Black and the White other....The use of the White in the dramatic equation is, I think, too often seen as the only way of exploring our Blackness; this equation reduces Blackness to merely a state of "non-Whiteness.""

-An Equation for Black People Onstage 

To put it at its most simple:

"The Klan does not always have to be outside the door for Black people to have lives worthy of dramatic literature." 

-Ibid

So we have this equation in most drama involving Black people
Black=non-White
But, she contends that is incorrect and Black people can have lives worthy of dramatic literature independent of or in concert with White people without them necessarily being adversaries.

I want to extend this to the gender relationships we find in Lord of the Rings and narratives like it.
Female=non-Male
That is an incorrect equality.
Female is not the same as male.

To bring it back around we have this lovely little moment thanks to Canada's Prime Minister Justin Trudeau:

On being asked why a gender equal cabinet was so important to the Prime Minister he responded:
"Because it's 2015"
I dig that!
I loved that!

Especially when I consider things like we are creeping closer to gender equality in places like the Supreme Court!

But, then my attention was drawn to this Tolkienverse study.
And things like this:

Someone very precious to me said,

"There will never be enough women on the Supreme Court because the Supreme Court will never be all women as it has been all men."

And I realized that equality no longer means what we think it does.
It isn't half and half.

If you look at the positions held of office over time instead of just the right here, right now:

• It doesn't matter that Barack Obama is the sitting president.
• It doesn't matter that Hillary Clinton gets elected into office.

We would need 44 consecutive female presidents for it to be considered "equal".
We would need 43 consecutive black presidents for it to be considered "equal".
And that will never happen.

At least not yet.

So I am writing a fantasy series in similar style to Lord of the Rings.
But, every single person in the story, everyone who positively affects the narrative will identify as female.
I already have the rough sketches in place.
The working title is called The Void.
If anyone is interested in reading the rough drafts/notes, I will happily begin sharing them with anybody who asks.

• The main character is an inventor called Mel, her mother and grandmother fight to protect her from religious cults that want to end her life.
• The story is less an epic quest and more like Dorothy in Oz where she has to make friends and political alliances with the different races/species she encounters
• The world is at war with itself, Ragnarok is coming and only by working together can the universe survive.
• Every race is out for itself, but Mel brings them together to form a united front against the end of the world through leadership, heart, and strategy
• Think neo-steam punk in a fantasy universe powered primarily by magic (she can't use none though, so she has to make her own abilities kind of like Batman in JLA)

The Right Side of History (Why I am NOT voting for Bernie Sanders)

Today we discuss this.

For those who don't have time to watch the whole video, I have included a transcript of the section that struck me most below:

Now, before we get into it, a DISCLAIMER:
I know nothing about politics outside of what I have gleaned through one bleary eye at eight in the morning in US History I/II AP prep course, which I totally passed by the way, and Howard Zinn's life changing novel about social justice in American History and how everything I learned in AP History was wrong.

I do not intend to cite facts, figures, or really do any research at all. This is an editorial, which means I get to shout ignorantly. Just like the politicians.

Point being, this bit isn't about facts and figures. They aren't discussing that in this clip.

They are talking about story. The narrative of modern politics and what it might mean. I want to discuss the prejudice. Now, it is important, so see if you can spot it.

In it, Susan Sarandon:

Is interviewed and asked this line of questioning.

Q: "There is growing concern that the folks that are into Bernie Sanders, have come to despise Hillary Clinton, that if she is the nominee, which is as yet undetermined they will go away."

A: "That is a legitimate concern because they are very passionate and they are very principled-"

Q: "But, isn't that crazy?"

Did you catch it?
Right there.
That is the mentality that I cannot stand in contemporary politics.
There is a growing "concern" that if Bernie Sanders doesn't get the nomination, the Democratic party will not rally behind Hillary Clinton and therefore, what?
Because voters packed up and left after their horse was booted from the race, what was the question again?

Isn't that crazy?

Just that simple statement says a lot about politics, the view of voters and mental health in this country.
Let us unpack it then:

• mental illness...damn it, I said I wouldn't do research. Okay, I am not a medical professional, but if I were to define mental illness, it is an impairment of the reasoning/emoting capacities of the brain to such a degree that a medical professional would be able to call it atypical.  Promised I wouldn't look anything up, this is hard. Point being, mental illness is mental illness. It is a thorny problem because it is difficult to define, it affects a lot of the population (1 in 5 I believe) and cannot be pointed to as fact: look at their amputated limb/happiness! It just doesn't work quite as easily does it? So now we come to our next point:
• This is used to describe the voting public. On a broad scale. More importantly, it is contingent on something. Let us see what that statement is.

Chris Hayes said, in asking "Isn't that crazy?":

If the Democratic voters do not vote for Hillary in the coming election and instead abstain from the presidential election because they simply 'do not believe in her brand of politics', then that is an act of madness, of insanity on their part.

I am exploding a simple, offhand comment, but that is the narrative. That is the question at hand. Are these people crazy for not voting for Hillary Clinton?
Let's watch and see:


A: "These are people who have never come out before, why would you think that they would come out now for [Hillary Clinton]"

Q: "You really think that?"

A: "I think it is a good possibility."

It is like Chris Hayes can't even fathom the possibility!
Like, HOW COULD THEY DO THAT?!
Because it is their right to abstain from a vote. From a system in which they do not believe.
But, that is insane. Right?
What about Susan Sarandon?
Is she one of these people?
Let's watch and see:

Q: "How about you personally? [would you vote for Hillary if she were the nominee?]"

A: "I don't know. I'm going to see how it goes."

Q: "Really?!"

A: (smiling) "Really."

boom.
With joy and aplomb, Susan Sarandon drops the bombshell. She is a Bernie Sanders supporter all the way. She would have to seriously consider her options in the coming election. And why?
Let's watch and see:

Q: "I can't believe that, with the Rise of Donald Trump."

A: "A lot of people feel that Donald Trump will bring the revolution IMMEDIATELY"

Q: "Oh, you're saying the Leninist model of Heighten the Contradictions."

A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some people feel that.

I dig it.
Donald Drumpf will bring on the revolution.
Things will get so bad so quickly that we will have to act.
So here we hear: THE RISE OF DONALD DRUMPF.
The Boogieman, the creature under our beds, the thing to scare voters into action.
Bernie Sanders cannot win this election is the pervasive narrative that I have to slog through every time I log onto social media.
So, what are our options? Because Drumpf will win the nomination, I have little doubt of that.
What next?
Bernie loses according to the story.
And now we have Hillary Clinton v. Donald Drumpf.

And you thought Batman v. Superman was the only shit show to come out this year.
It becomes an unwinnable scenario.
And voters are CRAZY for getting the hell out of dodge?
It becomes fear and scare tactics of the realest sort.
If the candidate you believe in doesn't win, should you abandon the vote?
Hell if I know.
But, I don't believe you are crazy for doing so.

Because the alternatives feel like a Zach Snyder film.
Again, I am not interested in the actual politics at this moment.
I am more interested in the stories and narratives.
Hillary, doesn't matter what political fact find checkers say, is believed to be untrustworthy by a large constituency.
Likewise, a lot of people believe Drumpf is either the messiah or the anti-christ.
Personally, I think his policies sound like the Joker:

The point is, we are creating a sense of fear and danger in the actions/choices we make in American politics.
That is no longer okay.
What we do/vote matters.
More importantly, what we don't do/vote matters.
They each have equal weight.

Too often I hear things like (and here I would normally post a lot of wonderful articles)

THE YOUTH VOTE IS FAILING BERNIE SANDERS IN (insert state)

The youth vote is failing its political leaders. 

That is the narrative that upsets me more than anything.

I have been consistently told, since a child: 

"IF YOU DON'T VOTE, YOU DON'T GET TO COMPLAIN"

My dad, ladies and gents.
To be fair though, he wasn't the first to say it. Just the first to say it to me.
And people have been saying it ever since.

So I am coming out. Again.
I am an Anarchist.
In the truest sense of the word.
I believe that small communities should govern themselves with agreed upon laws/regulations.
I believe that humans are social creatures, capable of incredible love and tenderness.
I believe what science has demonstrated: THE 300 APE THEORY

• That we, as primates, have a limited number of other primates which we can and do care about directly. That number is limited to cranial size and we, as primates, can only care about 300 other primates. That is the maximum size of our social group

I believe to expect a politician to care about 300 million primates as if they were individuals and not grossly large and sweeping demographics is unfair.
Due to the above statement, I believe federal and even state governments are incapable of caring about the needs of their base unit: the single voter.
Therefore, I believe communities of a certain size should govern themselves.

Now, let it be known, I have no idea how this could happen and have no immediate plans of joining a commune of 300 persons to live and laugh and love till I am room temperature.
But, that is why I have never registered as a voter.
That is why I have never cast a vote in any election.
And it is also for these core beliefs in the political structure and its inherent flaws that I have been called

• LAZY
• ARROGANT
• PRIVILEGED
• SELFISH
• ENTITLED

So now we come to the big question:

Q: Don't you think that is dangerous?

It is actually dangerous to abstain from a presidential election involving Hillary Clinton and Donald Drumpf...think about that for a second.
What does Susan Sarandon respond with?
Let's watch and see:

A: "If you think it is pragmatic to shore up the status quo, then you aren't in touch with the status quo. The status quo is not working. I think it is dangerous to think that we can continue the way that we are with the militarized police force with privatized prisons with the death penalty with the low minimum wage with threats to women's rights and think you can't do something huge to turn that around because THE COUNRY IS NOT IN GOOD SHAPE"

And there it is. We have been forced into a narrative that is based in fear.
"Fear based dialogue" that politicians have been using lately in order to bolster their votes.
It isn't worth it as Susan Sarandon suggests.
We cannot abide it any longer.
It is time to realize we are worth it.
Whatever your beliefs.
Whatever way you vote.
Or don't.
That is okay.

Follow the story and the narrative that you trust, that you believe in and it will be okay.
But, don't let anyone tell you that you are wrong simply because they are afraid of your position.
We have to understand the positions and our place and our function and our rights.
I am guaranteed the right to vote.
I am guaranteed the right to exercise that right.
And to not.

I choose to exercise that right every time I don't vote.
It is an active process.
That is why I am not voting.
Because even though I believe and trust Bernie Sanders as a politician, I still trust my impressions of this unwieldy machine more.
No single person can change the whole machine.
But, it is a start.
I hope he wins.

How Harry Potter Cured my Depression (Or at least Remissed It)

Today, we discuss my mental illness:

DEPRESSION.

Now, before I go into Harry Potter and the wonder that it is,
We first need to discuss depression and how it affects me personally, and possibly others.

What we are talking about is stories and narratives that stem from lots of places, but culture is the key word.
Mother Culture teaches us how things work.

And the sad part is culture teaches most people to think depression looks like this.

(Cursory google search)

A sad person looking sadly in the corner. Somewhere relatively harmless.
This is not depression. This is not what it looks like. This is not it at all.
Think about the persons suffering.
Think about what they really look like.
Have you ever had a clear indicator/emblem like:

• someone sitting alone in a crowded park
• backlit by some ridiculous lighting
• holding their head 
• and looking down in shame/sorrow?

No.
No you have not.
And why?
Because this is a construction. This is a narrative perpetuated by our culture that believes depression is mere sadness that people can catch and leave behind if only they got the help they need. If only they worked at it or got the medication.
AND I BELIEVED IT! FOR YEARS I THOUGHT I DIDN'T HAVE DEPRESSION SIMPLY BECAUSE I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE THIS PICTURE.
That is the single greatest danger to this story: people with depression don't believe they have it because of their negative self-worth and not being taught to look for the signs in their thinking process.

The scary part about depression is it looks like this:

Oh Arrested Development thou heinous bitch.
It is forced. You know you are supposed to be happy. So you fake it.
Why?
Because you don't want to unburden to others. You don't want your sorrow to affect others.
And why?
Because you aren't worth it.
Which, lo and behold, makes you feel more miserable, more isolated, more depressed.
So you fake it.
You fake it.
You do.
For the sake of others, you put on a brave face and tell everyone you are all right until you are not all right. And that is not okay. Not anymore.

Because
What depression feels like is much, much scarier.
It feels like this:

Every day walking through broken glass. Every gesture or touch or interaction feels like pain.
Why?
Because it on the inside I look like this:

But, here is the saddest thing about being depressed.
You do not feel like the kid in this picture.
I did not feel like the kid in this picture.
For years, I felt like the monster in the shadows waiting to prey on little children.
But, I didn't want to.
I didn't want that to be my function in this life.
I didn't want to feel that way.
But, I didn't believe there was any other way to be.
I thought happiness and joy were for others.
They're not.
They are for everybody.
My reality looked something more like this:

Alone, cold, and afraid, lying under a bed while someone sleeps soundly above me.

• Afraid to move.
• Afraid to speak.
• Afraid to laugh.
• Afraid to love.

And why?

• Because I might wake them
• Because I might scare them
• Because I might hurt them
• Because I might kill them

It was a terrifying and awful way to live.
Nobody deserves to live like that.

I have been working for weeks to change my world view.
And it is hard.
It is so god damn hard.
Every day I struggle to fight down that gnawing sensation at the back of my skull:

• "Nobody likes you."
• "Everybody is just pretending"
• "You have no friends, they are somebody else's friends"
• "They are just waiting till you leave"

Every day those thoughts creep in and I cannot stem the tide.

All I can do is channel them.

Unlike what I did for years.

I have not changed, but how I am handling it has.

Instead, I choose to ask for help.

Ask for friends.

Ask for society. 

I am afraid every day turning down a friendly outing. Because it might be my depression. It is like an addiction. It can crop up at the most inopportune times and it could be so easy to go home and be alone and nurse my wounds for not being invited out. Or not invited out in the right way. Or not being included. 

Solutions

What can I (Miles) do to help?

Fuck included.

Fuck invitations.

I am a person.

I have a right to goodness. To kindness. To love. To joy. I will knock on people's doors. I will ask to be let in. And if people say no, that is okay too. It doesn't make me a monster for bothering them during finals or asking on the wrong day or at the wrong time. It just means that they are busy and that they are handling them for the moment. 

I am handling me for the moment.

But, I need help.

I need friends. 

I need loved ones.

What can you do to help?

Just include those who are depressed.

Make sure that they get out. That they shower. That they eat. That they feel loved.

It does not matter.

I remember in the midst of my depression I came up with a saying:

"More than anything, I just want this moment to be over."

It felt dismissive, like I was isolating the problem. But, really, I was dealing with it.
I have dealt with depression for the majority of my life and on any given day, I can handle it. But, if we are going to have fun and make me feel included instead of isolated and worried that I am a burden, the last thing I want to do is talk about my sadness. I have clinicians for that. Therapists, specialists. If you want to have a significant and meaningful conversation, we can do that. But, don't invite me over to "help" and then pretend you have a clinical degree. It doesn't work. It doesn't help. It makes me feel sad. Instead, try anything.
Anything else.

• board games
• movie nights
• clubbing
• dancing
• lunch
• tea
• coffee
• tuba lessons

It doesn't matter what it is. Just make sure that the friend is included. That they can accomplish it. And if they throw up friction, get them to do it anyway. It feels better once it is happening. It feels better once it is over. The initial part is the hardest. The admitting of the problem, the getting out and seeing people. It all takes energy. Energy that we have been directing negatively at ourselves for a while. It takes retraining to redirect that energy. And it can be hard.

These last few weeks have been incredibly difficult. 

I have been struggling to be open and inviting in the last few weeks because I cannot afford not to be.

I have destroyed relationships, thrown up road blocks, and isolated myself for years because I did not think that I was worth the effort.

Worth the time or the place or the anything.

That isn't true. 

Other people recognized it.
That is why they stayed my friends.

Now, I need to embrace that fact and start working at repairing those beautiful, wonderful, precious relationships.

Some things I learned from my depression

D: Depression lesson

L: What I learned coming out

D: My love is hurtful. (I have claws and if I hug others, they will get hurt, better to hurt myself and save others.)

L: Love is not in and of itself harmful. (I do not have claws, I have been harming myself for no good reason)

D: We are all broken. 

L: We are not broken. (Instead, we are, all of us, children, running wildly and playing, some fall and get hurt and we take care of them. Recognizing that the hurt comes from playing, but is not the playing or the children is the most important lesson.)

D: Happiness is for other people.

L: Happiness is always there provided we are daring enough to reach for it.

How I snapped out of depression

I operate on stories. That is how I live my life. It is how I understand my universe.

Story is the key.

"Life is Story." -Miles Boucher

That is what I believe.
In the midst of my depression, I believed my place in the story was as villain. The ultimate villain. I was the worst human being. Worse. I was less than human. I was a monster.
For years people told me I wasn't.
I didn't believe them.
And then, someone compared, not me mind you, but in my head I heard:

"Miles is like Tom Riddle's diary."

For those who don't know, Tom Marvolo Riddle is Lord Voldemort. The single greatest villain in recent story.
For those who haven't read Harry Potter (you know who you are) here is a primer
Born Tom Riddle, the boy remade himself into Lord Voldemort through years of magical experimentation as the greatest dark wizard, powerful, hungry, malevolent, seemingly invulnerable.
In the end, he fractured his soul and poured its essence through the murder of others into objects in order to protect his essence (horcruxes).
He was incapable of feeling love because his mother used a love potion to "get" him (Shakespearean sense).
He is tragic, beautiful, and defeated not by malice or vindictiveness, but by love. He is defeated because he was incapable of feeling love and because of that he was alone.

Tom Riddle is without doubt one of the single greatest portrayals of a villain...ever.
If I had been compared to Tom Riddle, I would have been over the moon. Somebody would have hit it on the head. That is how I see myself. That is how I cast myself. This beautifully tragic, hopelessly cursed individual who is worthy of pity, but who has to die because that is the story's function.

Instead, I felt compared to the diary. The horcrux. A repository for Tom Riddle's soul. The diary functions like a parasite, feeding off of every negative emotion and draining its host of that energy until at long last, it leaves them: a dry, empty husk, devoid of the personality and vibrancy that makes that person (Ginny) so very, very special.
Now, let me reiterate, I was not being compared to the diary. But, in my warped, narcissistic state, I believed that I was.
And so, instead of being the beautifully tragic Tom Riddle, I was instead his parasitic leftovers.

It was worse than the worst thing I could imagine.
For the first time in my life somebody hadn't said:

"No, you aren't the worst thing. You are a good person!"

And instead had slapped me upside my head and said:

"No, you are worse than you imagined."

Suddenly, I was suffused with feelings of self worth.
For the first time I felt like I was higher on the scale than somebody was giving me credit.
I didn't need to take myself lower, I needed to build myself up.
And so, I started arguing.
For myself.
For the first time in my life.

I am not Tom Riddle's Diary. I am not Tom Riddle.
According to Pottermore, I am a Slytherin.
But, let us remember: Draco is Slytherin.
Regulus Black is Slytherin.
Severus Snape is Slytherin.
Harry was Slytherin.
It is the choices we make that determine where we belong.

The house system was disbanded after Headmaster Snape.
And the single greatest tragedy of the series is that Slytherin House was evicted during the Battle of Hogwarts.
They were not given a choice in the matter.
I am sure there are those in Slytherin House who would have left, they chose the better backed side.
But, I am also sure that there are those who would have stayed to fight for Harry.
I would have.
He was almost in my House.