That is the most terrifying thing for me.
Well, the most terrifying thing today.
I have moved from academic institution to academic institution.
I have been graced with work my entire life.
I have been more or less artistically satisfied when it comes to volume for...ever.
When I was in high school I was always a leading player.
My first musical, I was the villain.
Footloose: Chuck Cranston
My first straight play I was one of the lead supporting roles.
The Passage: Starbuck (This is scary accurate)
In college my work flourished in the institution.As the one of the few who can reliably grow a beard age 16-23, you find yourself in a lot of roles that you wouldn't expect:
The Marquis de Sade
(This is Kostya, but the actor is too precious not to include. Look at him!)
Fast forward to my illustrious career in graduate school and professional summer work.Some weekends you are Macbeth:
Can anyone say Bernoulli? Anyone? No high school graduates?
Sometimes you are performing the material you love (Shakspeare [sic]) and sometimes you are teaching material you love (fluid mechanics) in a slightly hyper-contextualized setting.
And I am okay with that.
What I am evidently not okay with is the other side of the three-sided coin:
Unemployment.
With no steady paycheck, with no unsteady paycheck I am losing my ever-loving mind.
And we are doing okay.
We have a place, rent is paid, nest egg is doing okay, we are alive and well and eating.
But, with no tangible way to measure my contribution to the household, I wonder about my self worth.
Is my artistry good enough to warrant a paycheck?
It must be, I lived on my artist paycheck for years.
Where did it go?
Well, my contract was up.
And so I set my sights on stranger waters.
I moved to Seattle and am looking for what is commonly referred to as a 'survivor job'.
But, what does that mean?
As it was explained to me, it is the job one picks up in order to 'pay the bills'.
Well, my bills are paid.
So what am I doing?
Looking for a steady paycheck because I am afraid to walk outside and perform on a street corner.
Why is that?
Probably has something to do with legitimacy.
So long as I have a paycheck from an accredited institution it looks like I have value.
So long as I can point to money coming from somewhere that looks like it has a staff of lawyers, people trust that I am not a crazy artist looking for 'handouts'.
But, I am.
I am a crazy artist.
Have been one for years.
I stay up late reading plays you have never heard of, artistic theory by people who weren't popular after they were dead.
Why do I do this?
To be the best damned artist out there.
To put on a great fucking show.
And people come to see me do this. Often.
What holds us back as artists is most often our sense of self-worth.
We don't feel like we have a right to ask for a paycheck or ask for people's money.
Why is this?
Because culturally we are a hobby. Something to do on the weekend or in the community.
But, that is not the case for some, even most of us.
We are die hard artists.
That is a profession and deserves compensation for the level of artistry me and my own put out into the world.
Insert wonderful TEDtalk:
Your output grows, your product increases in quality and consumption.
You no longer wonder how do I do a thing? Instead you wonder: How do I not?
I find this talk wonderful and I hope to apply it in my own life.
Because so often I find the worst person to be alone in a room with is me.
Competing with others is always more satisfying than competing against oneself.
I am tired of always losing against me.
So here's to the fight against me.
I hope to be performing again soon.
My own work if necessary...terrifying
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