"Actors Can Never be Sick" (Why I am always sick after Closing)

"Actors can never be sick."
-spoken off-handedly by a director

This single phrase has haunted me for years.
Because it is both true and terrible to behold.

To give it context:
The director in question was speaking specifically about understudies.
Understudies are meant to step into a role in the event that an actor is too sick or indisposed to perform.
This can happen for any number of reasons, up to and including death.

So what is an understudy's job?
I don't know.
Working for years, often as an understudy, I still do not know what an understudy does.
I am an actor.
I know how to act.
There is no job training for being an understudy.
You show up to rehearsals, learn the blocking and the lines, and sometimes you go on to perform.
But, what does that mean?
Are you an actor creating your own unique performance?
Are you an understudy meant to seamlessly insert yourself into another's performance should they go down?
Are you a chameleon?
An aardvark?
I do not know.

The directors I have worked with very rarely consider or consult with the understudies.
Why is that?
They do not have time.
(that is not wholly true, but for the sake of this argument, let us assume that it is)
Six weeks max to create a full production with their initial creative team.
Working with understudies is like working with a separate, but constantly fluctuating possible show that could happen at any moment with any one of them.

(Yeah...it is like that)

So instead of leaping that hurdle, what do directors do?
Say things like: "Actors can never be sick"

What happens to me when I hear this?
I kick myself for being sick.
I know many actors who do.
We have our tricks:

• Over-hydration (I have seen actors drink literal buckets of water)
• The ever-present trash bucket (I have seen actors walk offstage, vomit from stomach flu, and go back on to finish a five act Shakespeare...way to be Betsy. You have undying respect)
• Anachronistic (or not so) additions (I have seen an actor with diabetes suffer full blown insulin crashes onstage and keep going by drinking soda and eating candies to make it through)

But that also meant that everyone else filled in the gaps (and not always safely)

• One time the lead in a production took ill during the first act and the understudy had to walk on for the second act (brilliantly taking care of one another)
• The incident of diabetes on stage? he had a fight to finish the first and second act. One night, we actually fought for our lives against this erratic man (not so taken care of)

What do I do when I get sick?

I pretend I am not sick.

I wait and hold out for the end of the run.

Because of course I get sick, but I am a consummate professional and so find every work around for it (read: scared of being unprofessional and so give my best possible performance until I crash after closing).

So there it is.

I am afraid of being sick.

I am afraid to go down during a performance so I hold out just enough to make it to closing.

And then I allow myself a chest cold, a flu, a sick day.

Before I duct tape myself back together for the next day's rehearsal.

It is not a way to live. I would never advise my students to do it.

But, if they were to watch me and follow my example, that is what they would see...Miles is never sick, he never misses a performance (I am not proud of this)

Actors are the primary creative tool of theatre.
They are necessary for theatre to exist.
But, what happens when an actor is too sick to go on?
The entire production changes.
Someone new enters the scene.
Someone no one else has worked with over the process.
Everyone is just a little bit scared and a lot of bit supportive.
What happens?
Theatre happens.

It is not the same show.
And that panics most directors.
But, it is still a show.
It is still theatre.
So my contention is that actors can always get sick.
Because we are human.
We are capable of adapting and creating new performances every night because that is what we do.
We are actors, hear me roar!

So there it is.
We are human.
We can and do get sick.
That shouldn't be the worst thing to happen to theatre ever.
The worst thing to happen to art is telling the artists that they cannot act the way humans do.

What is Home? A Place for all my Stuff (And my Thoughts)

So I have been moving.

Travelling.

Homeless.

It is hard and I don't always know where I am going or doing.

It has been very illuminating, but not very productive.

I don't know where or how I will charge all of my devices.

I don't know where I will sleep at night.

I don't know where I can be still and write.

It has been one of the most daunting experiences of my life.

The single greatest hurdle that I have found while moving is finding a home.

Some sort of homebase.

A place to put all of my things and in some ways my thoughts.

I flew out to Seattle on September 2.

I stayed in a hostel for five nights.

They were fun times, well spent.

I went house searching during the day, job applying at night, and slept well because time differences.

But, it was not home.

I could not stay here.

It was forty bucks a day, which is fine for me, but not two and not for a month.

We needed a place

My partner, Kit, arrived on September 7 and I still had nothing to show for it.

No job, no beautiful place, no art.

So we searched together.

Now, we were mobile and could cover more ground.

I felt better.

We had a friend to stay with.

It was miserable and cold, but we could improve it.

We talked about paying some of the rent and dare I say it? We had a homebase.

When you are without home a homebase wll suffice.

But, we werekicked out by uncaring landlords.

No one could take us.

So we had to retreat.

We retreated to Walla Walla where Kate's family lives.

We are staying with family as we attempt to apply for housing five hours outside of the city we want to live in.

The Catch-22 is also brilliant:

We needd jobs in order to find a place

But we need a place in order to find jobs

It could not be harder.

But, we have found a base of operations.

A place to start from.

Because that is what you need.

You have to start somewhere.

It is up to you to decide where that somewhere is and how important are the other things.

A home is an agreed upon construct, but you know it when you find it.

For me it is the creature comforts.

Knowing where to hang your hat, that sort of thing.

Knowing that allows me to create art.

To create work.

Figuring out what that is for yourself and doing it is the most essential thing for any creative.

That is all for now.

Friar Laurence killed Romeo & Juliet! (Why doesn't the Play end with a Beheading?)

Romeo & Juliet.
Who is to blame?
We could waffle, but in the end--It's the friar.
Friar Laurence.

(Pure evil)

This is the case against Friar Laurence.
If you are a fan of Friar Laurence (and believe me, I am), but are unwilling to face that sad, sick truth: Friar Laurence made it all happen, then you should probably skip this and go about in willful ignorance.
Okay...are they gone?
Good.

Here is how it really happened:
It all starts with a thumb.
You heard me.
One of these.

Doesn't that just drive you into a murderous rage?
No?
Well it does the Montagues:

I will bite my thumb at them; which is a disgrace to them, if they bear it.

I didn't write it; it was some bloke called Shakesman.
Point being, everything that follows is the result of a bit thumb.
The Montagues take offense; the two sides square off; they posture a bit; and then they fight.
The Prince intervenes and says

If ever you disturb our streets again,
Your lives shall pay the forfeit of the peace.

 So if they ever fight again, all shall die. (Foreshadowing)

Fast forward to the good stuff.
A Capulet and a Montague fall in love. (Juliet and Romeo...)
What could go wrong?
....
Cut to Friar Laurence.

He is wandering in the morning collecting plants.
He has a whole soliloquy talking about plants.
Coming on the heels of the balcony scene:

It seems...tepid by comparison.
Why would Shakesman write it?

Because Friar Laurence is Littlefinger from Game of Thrones.

For those not in the know...that's pretty damn evil.

Take a look at his opening speech.
Friar Laurence starts his day by gathering herbs.
To what purpose?
He says 'mickle' meaning multiple or many.

Within the infant rind of this small flower
Poison hath residence and medicine power:
For this, being smelt, with that part cheers each part;
Being tasted, slays all senses with the heart.

Medicine can turn to poison and with the right application, poison to good use.
He is collecting tools of his trade and saying it could go either way:

Two such opposed kings encamp them still
In man as well as herbs, grace and rude will;
And where the worser is predominant,
Full soon the canker death eats up that plant.

Like plants, mankind has a dual nature.
Both good and bad all rolled into one.
So what is the friar to do with this sage wisdom?
Enter Romeo.

Nope!

Nope!

...I don't even. Fine.

Close enough.

What does Romeo have to say? Where has be been?

I have been feasting with mine enemy,
Where on a sudden one hath wounded me,
That's by me wounded

He met a girl.
But not just any girl.
Oh no.
The daughter of their sworn enemy.
The cousin of this guy:

Really?!

Oh, Tybalt...

So Romeo went to a party, fell in love, stalked her at night, and got a proposal out of the deal.
Great!
All that is left is Friar Laurence to tie the veritable marriage knot.
And does he do it?
Yes.

Wait...WHAT?!
Why?

For this alliance may so happy prove,
To turn your households' rancour to pure love.

Because it just might work!
He has no idea, but he is willing to take a gamble on Romeo's life that it will all work out...nice.
So how does it go?
Not well.

Romeo's friend, Mercutio, is murdered by Tybalt (Romeo's fault) and Romeo in turn murders Tybalt.
It looked like this:

(Trust us...we're professionals)

So what does the Friar do?
He doubles down.
Romeo threatens suicide (let us be honest, it would be the smart thing).
Instead, the Friar sends Romeo to Juliet for a last good night before his banishment.
Juliet finds out she is to marry Paris and...you guessed it...threatens suicide.
The Friar produces a vial of potion that will simulate death.
In a rare moment of insight, Juliet has this to say about the friar:

What if it be a poison, which the friar
Subtly hath minister'd to have me dead,
Lest in this marriage he should be dishonour'd,
Because he married me before to Romeo?

Why would the friar cover his tracks? Oh because that is brilliant!
Don't drink it!
She drinks it.
Her whole family thinks she is dead.
On her wedding day!

The Nurse enters, cries.
Her mother enters, cries.
Her father enters, cries.
Paris enters, cries.
The Friar enters and like a dick says:

Come, is the bride ready to go to church? 

Her family looks like this:

(The terrifying guy in the back? The Friar)

So while everyone is wailing because their only daughter/fiancee is dead, what does the Friar say/do?
Calls them out.
For shame! he says.
About their tears!
To be fair, his little potion (which we don't know is real yet) is working away and has a limited time frame.
The Friar needs to get the burial underway before Juliet starts cooking again.
So he says, dry your eyes, and bury her...NOW!
And they do because... they trust him because...he's the Friar (mistake).

Fast forward the Friar sends a letter to Romeo.
It gets waylaid.
Romeo hears that Juliet died by word of mouth (messengers in Shakespeare...they'll kill ya)
Goes on a murderous rampage through the streets.
The Friar, who has seen everything these kids do for each other, "fears the worst" and goes to sort it out.

Romeo gets to the crypt, tears it open, kills Paris who tries to arrest him and buries both Paris and himself in her tomb, then suicides.

Enter the Friar.....
This is such a cluster f*@# and a half and no one is safe.
The Friar sees the blood and the gore and goes to grab Juliet:

Come, I'll dispose of thee
Among a sisterhood of holy nuns:
Stay not to question, for the watch is coming;

It all went to belly up.
So what does he try to do?
Hide the poor girl away in a convent where a vow of silence is mandatory!
Brilliant!
But the Watch appears and he runs to save his skin.
Juliet suicides.
The Watch catches Friar Laurence in the graveyard and carry him back because...sketchy.
Suspicion falls on him.
The Prince shows up and the Friar confesses that he was involved with the whole thing.
He recounts the last five acts and begs punishment.
The Prince says this:

A glooming peace this morning with it brings;
The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head:
Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things;
Some shall be pardon'd, and some punished:
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

And it all ends happily.
For the Friar!

What did he say?
The Friar won!
He ended the war.
All strife is over.
Lady Cap says:

O brother Montague, give me thy hand:

 Brother! They are family, forever because of him!
Yeah, the kids are dead, but the war is done! Finite!
They will have more talk of these sad things. Not death/murder/suicide...talk.
Some pardoned. (He is talking about the Friar!)
The Friar will be pardoned, after all, he is pious. And did nothing wrong....
But you and I know different.

(EVIL)

Juliet is a Psychopath (Or: How I got the Part)

This is my audition for Romeo & Juliet.
For one of the titular roles. Juliet.
No, really.
This is my headshot:

(I am willing to do nude)

Well here it is:
My audition for Romeo & Juliet (Juliet though).
Juliet is a beast. I mean it is her play, no doubt about it.
So where does the play start?
With a meek little ingenue sighing about love and shit.
Juliet? No. It's Romeo. (we'll get to him)

Scene One. Enter ME

Juliet is in another part of Verona. Away from the crying and the bitching.
Nurse calls me down and I'm like: "Who calls?" I know it is the Nurse, but she does not speak to me like that.
It's my mother.
She excuses the Nurse and then remembers she has no idea who I am.
Where am I coming from? Elsewhere, I had shit to do, probably curing the black plague or something. It's a slow Tuesday...no one died today.
So they tell me they want me to marry some pansy named Paris.
I say, "I'll look to like if looking liking move." I'm not gonna fall in love with someone I just met! (foreshadowing!)
(DESIGN: This whole scene I picture Juliet getting stripped down to nothing, basically naked in front of the audience, then we see her as either just a girl or a woman grown.
Then, they infantilize her by wrapping her in a party dress, swaddling her in fabric.)

Scene Next. Hashtag Party

So I have just been stuffed into this party dress, I head immediately downstairs and lo!
PRO-TIP:
(The first interaction between R&J happens in silence. Screw the whole sonnet, which is beautiful poetry, blah-blah, whatever. The first time they meet is in silence. How do I know this? Juliet and the rest are in MASKS. There is nothing so magical about a person in a mask that enchants a person at distance to start asking about them. Okay back to the action.)
A boy holding a torch!
(DESIGN: read up on torch carriers. It is the dumbest position...EVER. In most stories everyone gleans over this fact. Everyone has a torch guy. Prior to modern light there was someone who carried it wherever you went after dark. THAT is what Romeo volunteers for. If you do not highlight that he is being a little bitch, then the whole next scene is silly.)
Nope. A prince. Paris. A man's man. Paul Rudd in a space suit.

This really happened.
So we dance. And Romeo is mouth breathing on the side of the party staring at me.
It is my party! Everyone is here for me and I am killing it.
Then, the mouth breathing Romeo appears and steals a kiss.
First kiss, first impressions, first love.
Oh and this:

My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late! 

He is the son of my mortal enemy. So that sucks.

Scene After! The Balcony

PRO-TIP:
(There is not a single mention of a balcony in the entire play. Balconies weren't invented yet as mentioned in this fabulous article: The Balcony Scene in Romeo & Juliet is a Lie.)
Just going to leave this here:

Any other part belonging to a man.

(Hint: It's a penis)
So I am talking up how much I love Romeo and then someone whispers in the bushes.
Creepy. There are not words...nope. There is! RAPE!
I threaten to call the guards and lo, it is the boy I was just gushing about.
Awkward sauce.
So I get a proposal out of the deal and set up a time to do the deed.

Scene The Everything:

So we get the engagement.
I rush to Romeo whilst at prayer.
We get married and he kills my cousin Tybalt after the reception.
I curse him, curse Tybalt, curse myself.
Refuse Paris.
Go to the Friar, get the potion, drink the potion, fake death.
Piss off parents.
So far so good.

Scene Last: The Awful:

And then we wake up to the worst scene of ever.
I wake up in my wedding clothes.
To the Friar begging me to leave.
Surrounded by the bodies of my loved ones: Tybalt, Paris, and Romeo.
Romeo is dead in my arms.
(DESIGN: I see Romeo clutching Juliet to his chest. So she wakes in his arms. She is enclosed in the arms of her husband as the Friar tries to pry her out. Nest of death and contagion and all that)
I not only attempt to drink the poison from the cup, but his lips, and then fall on his dagger.
And I don't do it half-assed.
Oh no.
I die instantly so (DESIGN) stab between the ribs, through a lung, into the heart, and wrench it back out.
Insta-death.

And everyone else cries over me for a while and erects a golden statue in my honor.
Awesome

Character Building

Juliet is not whiny.
Too often have I seen Juliet played as a petulant child.
She does not cry without cause. She is willful and stubborn and just a little bit crazy.
You heard me. CRAZY.
The seed of R&J is not love, it is not conflict, it is not war. It is passion. Obsession.
For those who don't know the difference:
Love is what the Dalai Lama practices every day:

(You beautiful bastard)

Obsession is what you practice when you skulk underneath your ex-girlfriend's window:

(It is meant to be)

The subtleties may be lost on some, but they are there.
Romeo gets a bad rap for being fickle and changeable.

• He loves Rosaline completely
• He will never leave her
• He leaves her for Juliet
• The play happens

Juliet is just as changeable, just as bat shit as Romeo.

When she hears Romeo killed Tybalt she reacts like a person: 

Did ever a dragon keep so fair a cave?

Paraphrase: How could he? Why? He is so beautiful on and on and on.
Then the Nurse damns him. Effectively agreeing with Juliet.
How does Juliet respond?

Blistered be thy tongue for such a wish, he was not born to shame.

A big middle finger to the Nurse who is crying over her "best friend" (Tybalt) in the whole play!
When asked, Juliet says she has to side with her husband.
That is pretty strong loyalty for one who has known him for twelve hours.
How long?
You heard me.

Ah, poor my lord, what tongue shall smooth thy name, when I, thy three hours wife have mangled it? (emphasis not-Shakespeare's) 

They've known one another for a night and a day. Half a day.
(MATH: It was dark when the party starts. Assuming they meet right after the party and talk all night, it is nine when Romeo meets the Nurse , ten when she gets the tackled stair, eleven she talks with Juliet, noon when they are married, and three now...they've known one another all of twelve hours. Fifteen if I feel generous)

So Juliet sneaks Romeo into her private chambers and they manage to consummate this marriage.
Yeah, the same day that her new-found husband murders her cousin, Juliet has sex with him in the house they grew up in....classy.
So Romeo tries to leave and we get the lark scene.
Which, classically goes like this:

Actually that looks pretty good.
Except for the fact that Romeo is banished and will die in Verona starting TODAY.
So does Juliet help him with his clothes? Does she bid him adieu till they can meet up outside the city proper?
No. No, she quibbles about which bird is singing.
It is fucking DAY!
(DESIGN: make it day. Make it so clearly day that it physically hurts to do the lark scene. Because it physically hurts to do the lark scene. Trust me. Juliet is crazy. She is denying it is day and the harder she has to work the crazier she looks. Romeo will die if he stays. Let him die. He is committing suicide by staying).
And he does. He says he will die because he cannot bear to go (Pro-tip: watch the 1968 film, you will know why he stays).
What does Juliet do next? Asks him to promptly leave.
At this point Romeo wants to kill Juliet.

So her parents show up and tell her to marry someone else.
What does she do when prompted to remarry?
Go to the Friar and threaten to kill herself.
Now, I know all the cool kids are doing it (glances at Romeo), but for real though:
She pulls a knife on the Friar:

 Behold, twixt my extremes and me, this bloody knife shall play the umpire

 That is a real thing, she threatens him that if he cannot come up with a plan she will kill herself in front of him.
Boom.
Crazy pants.
In the tomb she finds out that her husband is dead and she attempts to kill herself no less than three times.
Three.
Think about the mental resolve to off yourself.

1. Try the cup...it's empty
2. Try the lips...no poison
3. Try the knife...that works!......ow

She is a monster. Searching for love in a world on the brink.
She grabs onto it like Woody Harrelson's character in Zombieland looking for Twinkies

Actually that would be a good summation of how I would play Juliet.

• Hungry
• Apocalyptic
• Craving
• Weirdly moving during that flashback with the dog

Cast me if you dare.

How to Cook a Protagonist (And Other Ingredients)

Let us talk about story.

This is a wierd one because I believe everyone knows what makes a story.

So I will not be saying anything unknown.

Last production I devised, I asked, "what makes a story?" and I received the blankest of stares.

30 second rant:

I don't think that learning actors/artists are ignorant.

I believe that through education learning artists believe they are ignorant.

So often the lesson is: wrong, do it this way. Wrong, your instincts are innacurate.

I have been told I don't know how to breathe "properly".

I have had actors say: "I think he stands better than me."

Where does this come from?

Who teaches us this?

I think teachers mostly. Directly and indirectly.

The notion that we, as learning artists, are not enough in an institutional setting is highly prevalent.

We need to take care of young and learning artists because they are the best resources to have.

Convincing them they do not have a grasp of story, so much so that they are paralyzed when asked about it, is inexcusable.

End rant.

So what makes story?

This may not be the only answer and it can vary:

Classically:

1) Beginning

2) Middle

3) End

How do you define these?

Based on what is referred to as the protagonist.

Protagonist: the character who changes the most or has the most changed about their world.

In Hamlet/King Lear, you can be sure it is Hamlet and Lear. Hamlet kills the most and dies last. Lear goes insane the most and dies last.

However in Othello/Julius Caesar, it is very much Iago and Brutus. Iago, after a four hour monologue says, "I'll speak no more.

How can we tell who is our protagonist?

Circumstances. I go with context clues:

1) Who is onstage the most?

2) Who is left standing/victorious/destroyed by the story?

3) Who begins/ends a play?

Ultimately a protagonist boils down to:

Through whose perspective do we see the story? Through what lens?

This gets hard/interesting with stories like Three Sisters.

In it you have Irinia, Masha, and Olga. Threee ladies. Three protagonists?

I would contend three possible protagonists.

It is a director's/ensemble's joint effort to decide/discover just who is telling the story.

Is it the eldest sister, Olga, longing for a young man to sweep her away from her work?

Is it the middle sister, Masha, who longs for escape from her stifling husband?

I maintain it is the youngest, Irina. (spoilers)

She begins the play with her hope for a new day and she has the final tragic moment.

Her sisters' hopes are dependent on the suitor Vershinin who abandons them to their provencal life.

Theirs vanishes with Vershinin's exit in the middle of Act IV.

It is not until the death of Tusenbach, Irina's husband, at the end of Act IV that it is revealed no one will be leaving for Moscow and the tragic nature of the play is revealed.

Therefore, only once Irina has lost hope is the tragedy complete.

Ergo, she is the tragic protagonist.

Now, the antagonist is what/who is pitted against the protagonist.

The opposing force in the universe.

This is not necessarily good guy/bad guy relationship.

Take a look at Richard III. Unequivocally one of the evillest bastards...ever! (He kills the little children).

But, undoubtedly he is the protagonist of the story.

With Lear it is even worse: Lear (protagonist) starts the play by banishing his youngest daughter and refusing her dowry. Edmund (antagonist) starts the play by arguing he has never been treated kindly by anyone and has been made vengeful becaue of it.

The beginning is the protagonist's stasis (their world as it is) and the displacement/introduction to the main conflict (the new world order)

The end is the final conflict between protagonist and antagonist, along with outcome/result of the main conflict (new stasis)

The middle is the events between these two poles of beginning and end.

The rest (classically) is just set dressing.

From this you can create a narrative, a scene, a whole story.

This is not foolproof.

It is not complete, but it is a starting point.

Most stories will have at least these ingredients.

So when dealing with something like a devised piece or a thorny play:

What  is the beginning, middle, and end?

Who is the protagonist/antagonist?

In Faust, all we could agree on is that the stasis is the begining few scenes.

Faust is bored/lonely in the beginning.

It is not until the sumoning that he discovers a possible friend and intellectual equal in Mephistopheles.

This or the signing of the contract is the first major event.

The major events are the changes between beginning, middle, and end.

The end being Faust's change in fortune: his dargging to hell (or ascension to Heaven, depending on text)

So moving forward for weeks we worked on the play with Faust as the protagonist.

He iis the lens of the play.

But, then we added n introduction to the play: Mephistopheles and God meeting in Heaven.

The wager they make and the final scene made it Mephistopheles's play.

Suddenly the dramatic question was no longer about Faust: Is he redeemable?

But it became about Mephistopheles: Is Mephisto greater than God?

Everything you Know about Lady M is Wrong (Not Clickbate...Literally Everything)

What if Lady M is a kind, caring, mother who wants to take care of the love of her life and the whole kingdom?
Lady Macbeth.
This guy:

(You heard me)

Lady Macbeth makes up the driving force of the play Macbeth.
She spurs her husband on to depraved actions against king and country, including but not limited to:

• The murder of Duncan's chamberlains
• The murder of Banquo and his innocent daughter [sic] Fleance
• The attempted murder of Macduff
• The actual murder of Macduff's entire family
• The alienation of the entire kingdom
• And her suicide

Wait a minute...that isn't right.

Oh,

That is because she stops being his spur in Act II.

He goes off the rails the moment that he kills Duncan.

Macbeth starts hearing voices and killing people higgledy piggledy and Lady M is left washing her hands.

Lady M's entire reputation is based on a quick reading of the first Act of the play.

But what sort of reputation is that?

In her opening scene, Lady M receives a letter from her husband that says they are going to be made King and Queen by some creepy man-ladies.

He gives anecdotal and circumstantial evidence to confirm the report.

And she totally believes him.

She says he will be King: 

yet do I fear thy nature;
It is too full o' the milk of human kindness
To catch the nearest way: thou wouldst be great;
Art not without ambition, but without
The illness should attend it

Classically, interpretations of this text are that Macbeth is a nice guy, therfore, Lady M must not be a nice guy.
That does not follow and here is why:

 Come, you spirits
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
And fill me from the crown to the toe top-full
Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood;
Stop up the access and passage to remorse,
That no compunctious visitings of nature
Shake my fell purpose, nor keep peace between
The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,

What is Lady M doing in this all too famous speech?
She is getting rid of her humanity, her womanliness.
Now, you can do it effectively and be terrifyingly creepy:

But what if Lady M is just a lady?

A mother who has lost her child?

What if she is an incredibly kind individual and that is the nature of the speech.

The following scene can then be seen in context with a more nurturing, maternal figure suddenly and unexpectedly tongue lashing her husband and to be a man.

Then, her hardness is out of place and jarring as opposed to a Tuesday afternoon (seriously read the script, it's a Tuesday. Look it up).

Worse even, what if she is kind and nurturing, motherly whilst planning Duncan's murder:

When Duncan is asleep--
Whereto the rather shall his day's hard journey
Soundly invite him--his two chamberlains
Will I with wine and wassail so convince
That memory, the warder of the brain,
Shall be a fume, and the receipt of reason
A limbeck only: when in swinish sleep
Their drenched natures lie as in a death,
What cannot you and I perform upon
The unguarded Duncan? what not put upon
His spongy officers, who shall bear the guilt
Of our great quell?

It is a laundry list of events. Chores they need to do to make him king.
And what does she say in response to his fear?

Your face, my thane, is as a book where men
May read strange matters. To beguile the time,
Look like the time; bear welcome in your eye,
Your hand, your tongue: look like the innocent flower,
But be the serpent under't.

She is taking care of Macbeth, not badgering, not chastising, making sure that he is able to accomplish his goals.

He that's coming
Must be provided for: and you shall put
This night's great business into my dispatch;

She will take care of everything.

So they kill the king (spoilers).
Then what?
Macbeth goes on a killing spree the likes of which Titus would be proud.
How does Lady M respond?
By questioning his sanity at every turn.
Reassuring him that they are in the clear:

Things without all remedy
Should be without regard: what's done is done.

And when it proves too much? She snaps.
Her famous washing of her hands:

Out damned spot. Out I say.

A clear manifestation of her belief that she will never be clear of all the blood they have spilled.
And yet it is the Gentlewoman's lines:

How came she by that light?

Why, it stood by her: she has light by her
continually; 'tis her command.

She is afraid of the dark.
Nothing is more touching to me than that little detail.
Afraid of the dark, sleepwalking, confessing her sins to the air. (maybe the doctor, we have no proof that she is really "asleep")
And people want to make her the epitome of cruelty and vindictiveness.
I want to reclaim Lady M as a figure of caring and nurturing.
So, my advice is pay attention to the moments when she is afraid (II.i.), let the faint be real (II.iii.), and don't leave the candle behind (V.i.).

Embrace these not as awkward moments in her arc, but genuine moments where her inner nature peeps through her hardened veneer.

I blame English teachers.
For most everything.
Mine likened the Macbeths unto pitchers of evil.
According to Google it looks something like this:

Lady M starts as really evil, Macbeth not so much.

She pours her evil into him and he starts filling up while she empties.

And then they switch over the course of five acts until Macbeth is so evil and Lady M a god damn saint.

Not so.

They are people with faults one of which is ambition, but the overriding one is kindness.

Kindness.

Let them be kind instead of creepy.

How your Eating Big Macs is Killing Me (And other Loving Words)

Let us talk about wellness.

In my last post I spoke about health, which is incredibly important for all creatives.

We touched on health being a personal journey of taking care of oneself.

Wellness or overall health I believe is a communal act.

The reason to take care of other people I have found to be an incredibly selfish one.

If I take care of others, then they take care of me.

Practically speaking, if I surround myself with healthful options, when I look around my choices will be healthful.

So that is my thesis: we perpetuate the lifestyles we live.

Healthful persons are such because they either craft or seek out healthful communities.

The same is true for unhealthy lifestyles.

How often have I seen actors and managers who have quit smoking for years "bum" a cigarette during tech week.
Why do they do this?
Is it because tech week is so stressful? Maybe.
I think it more likely that it is convenient when cigarettes are casually available to embrace that lifestyle once more.

This is not to boil down to just smoking.
This is true of all our vices and our boons.
Fast food, home baked desserts, gallons of coffee.
I have seen stage managers drink this:

By themselves!

So what can we do?
Seek out healthier options because health is a personal journey.
Sure.
But perhaps more importantly seek out communities that support you in making healthier options.

Now, these communities may not be readily available:

(Bastards)

So what can we do?
Make healthier options and encourage others to do the same.
Now, this is not a license to go forth and be a nutrition guru.
We, (read I), am not qualified to make health claims.
Nevertheless, there has to be some objective criteria to determine health:

vs. 

We know you say.
So make smarter choices.
Not only for yourself, although that is important, but for the ensemble.
We in the theatre create nothing by ourselves. (It's like a metaphor for life, go forth, tell everyone)
Nothing in a vacuum.
The ensemble is only as strong as each individual member.
If you have to take time out of rehearsal in order to willfully put poisonous toxins into your lungs and then, and then! stop rehearsal because you are "out of breath", something is the matter.
This is innately different than if someone were to say have asthma.
To not recognize a difference is what makes me afraid at night.
Take care of yourselves and through you the group.

This is not easy.
Believe me, I know the temptation and the frustration.
I grew up not knowing what to eat.
Only to eat.
At my house you eat your protein and your carbs. And that was the meal.
No veggies besides corn and no dessert till you finish your third slice of pork pie.

I weighed over two hundred pounds at my heaviest.
That may not sound like much for a man of my height and build, but that was because I never took accurate weighings.
I was too afraid to find out how heavy I had gotten.

My parents loved me and the way that manifested was getting me to eat something.
I was a "picky" eater growing up.
You know what I was picky about?
Pizza from Little Caesar's. Soda. Big Mac's.
To be fair also: boiled vegetables including, broccoli, brussel sprouts, cauliflower, etc.
So when my parents found something I liked: chicken nuggets, milkshakes, carrots.
They fed me...all of it.
So I never learned portion control.
It wasn't until I started cooking for myself that I realized I don't dislike food, I love it.
I need it to be nutritionally dense, flavorful, satisfying, and in the right amounts for my weight.
Because ten cookies does not satisfy me as much as one protein shake.
Recognizing that truth made my life and my "diet" so much easier.
I no longer need to be the person who eats, but who eats well.

We curse and we make excuses and we barter for more time after school/work/rehearsal/tech.
It is never over.
Life carries on with or without you.
Saying you'll do it when it stops is the same as saying "I'll sleep when I am dead"
Don't do that.
Don't do it to yourself.
And certainly don't do it to the group.

You owe it to yourself.
You owe it to the group.
Take care of yourself.
And take care of others whenever you can.

I have known selfless people take care of others as if they were their own children (in some instances for their own children, Hi mum! Hi dad!)
Then, turn around and make the worst possible health choices imaginable.
They believe that since they are doing it to themselves no one else is affected.
I am not hurting anyone else with what I do with my body.
Wrong.

One gentleman friend eats cookies.
By the sleeve!
So much so that he caused those close to him to fear for his health.
What did they do? Talk him out of it? They try. But he isn't hurting anyone else.
So what do they do? They eat the cookies for him.
Now he buys twice as many cookies and they both sit there eating.
It's like a metaphor or a symbol, but I am too angry to make sense of it.

Take care of yourselves.
Every one else is trying to do just that.
We take care of each other.
Whatever that means for the group.
If the group is unhealthy, we will take care of each other in the most unhealthful way.
But, if we aim to be healthy instead....here's to hoping.
Salut.